Frequently Asked Questions

You may overthink interactions when you’re highly attuned to other people’s emotions or have learned to anticipate conflict, rejection, or disconnection. Your mind may be trying to create safety by analyzing what happened and what others might be feeling.

Often times relational dynamics of our early years prime our brain and body to always be scanning the room for any risks and or threats, real or perceived.  Emotional safety and connection in relationships may have depended on just how well you could notice the people around you. 

As social creatures we are wired to seek connection, belonging and safety in relationships of all types. If we were exposed to a lot of relational turmoil, by default we will be watching other peoples moods to gauge where we stand with connection, belonging and safety. When moods change it directly impacts just how connected and safe we may feel.

This is an automatic attachment adaptation.  When we can manage other peoples moods, or keep someone else happy, it indirectly helps protect and even 'keep' our connection, belonging and relationship security with that person.

This is what I call being 'externally orientated' - if our feelings of worthiness, belonging, connection and safety depend on other people and our relationship to them, we need to put a lot of energy into paying attention to those people.  The more we pay this devoted attention to other people and track their moods, the less we practice pay attention to ourselves and our own needs, sensations and emotions. 

Boundaries can feel like a threat to our relationships because there is a subconscious fear we are disappointing someone else and they will reject or abandon us - reducing our feelings of being safe and connected in relationships. 

Having needs often makes us feel guilty because we may for once, be putting ourselves first.  Putting yourself first is risky if you have maintained your relationships with others through behaviours like people pleasing and codependency. Putting your needs first defines you as separate from the other person and their needs and wants. 

When someone has focussed externally on other people a lot they sometimes start to feel a sense of identity from this.  Serving others can be admirable, but if it constantly comes at the cost of your own self and your own needs, it is a fancy way to self-abandon.

You may be drawn to what feels familiar, even when it isn’t emotionally fulfilling. Therapy can help you recognize the relational patterns that keep you connected to unavailable people and build a different kind of relationship—one rooted in emotional safety, reciprocity, and connection.

You may have learned to prioritize other people’s needs, emotions, or comfort over your own. When leaving feels harder than staying, it can be a sign that you’ve become disconnected from your own needs, boundaries, or sense of what a healthy relationship feels like.  Leaving means you have to face who you are outside of that relationship and if you have been pouring yourself into the other person and relationship, it feels scary to answer this question. 

Knowing a relationship isn’t healthy doesn’t always mean your nervous system feels safe enough to leave it. You may be caught between what you know intellectually and what you feel emotionally—especially when attachment, hope, fear, or guilt are involved.

You may have learned to look outside yourself for reassurance when you feel uncertain, disconnected, anxious or emotionally unsettled. Over time, this can make other people’s responses feel like proof that you’re okay, worthy, or safe.  Your sense of emotional safety begins to live outside of you - and in the responses of other people which creates a painful cycle of needing reassurance.

Conflict can feel bigger than the moment itself when your nervous system has learned to associate tension with rejection, disconnection, or danger. You may find yourself overthinking, shutting down, people-pleasing, or trying to fix things quickly just to feel safe again.

Freezing can happen when your nervous system senses that speaking up may lead to conflict, rejection, or disconnection. You may know what you want to say but struggle to access your voice in the moment, especially when you’ve learned to prioritize safety over self-expression.

Emotional numbness can be your nervous system’s way of creating distance when an experience feels too overwhelming to process all at once. You may not be lacking emotion—you may be protecting yourself from feeling more than you can hold in that moment.

You may feel disconnected from yourself when you’ve spent a long time focusing on other people’s needs, emotions, or expectations. Over time, it can become difficult to hear your own feelings, needs, and inner signals beneath everything else.  You may have focussed so much time and energy on how to loving fill other peoples cups, that you don't even know what would fill your own anymore.

You may lose touch with your sense of self when you’ve spent a long time adapting to other people, relationships, or expectations. When your focus has been on being who others need you to be, it can become difficult to recognize what you actually want, feel, and value.

Childhood experiences can shape what you learn to expect from closeness, conflict, and emotional connection. You may carry these patterns into adulthood without realizing it, affecting how you trust, communicate, set boundaries, or respond to other people’s emotions.

CPTSD can make your nervous system more sensitive to stress, making emotions feel intense, unpredictable, or difficult to settle. You may find yourself becoming overwhelmed, shutting down, or staying on high alert even when you know you’re safe.

Trauma can teach you that connection isn’t always safe or predictable, making it harder to let your guard down with others. You may find yourself watching for signs of rejection, betrayal, or danger—even when part of you wants to feel close and connected.

You may shut down during conflict when your nervous system becomes overwhelmed and your instinct is to protect yourself rather than engage. You might go quiet, lose access to your words, or feel disconnected from what you’re thinking and feeling in the moment.